What are physical and verbal boundaries?

Between the ages of seven and 11, your child may be beginning to think more deeply about the positive aspects of a friendship, as well as the things that feel uncomfortable.

This article, part of BBC Bitesize: People Around Us, is packed with expert advice, relatable videos and conversation starters to help you introduce the topic of verbal and physical boundaries with your child.

Watch the videos together to help them recognise positive boundaries and understand how they support healthy relationships.

A boundary is a way to let others know what’s OK and what isn’t.” - Dr Nihara Krause, consultant clinical psychologist

In the first film, Emma learns that not everyone is comfortable with her morning hugs. She hasn’t meant to upset anyone - she just wasn’t aware of the other children’s boundaries. You could use Emma’s experience to illustrate in a tangible way what physical and verbal boundaries are with your child.

Dr Nihara Krause MBE is a consultant clinical psychologist. She suggests: “Start by explaining a boundary as a way to let others know what’s OK and what isn’t. Children age 7-11 are usually aware of concepts such as fairness and have the cognitive ability to start to think about the perspectives of others.”

However, she also points out: “Concepts such as respect and boundaries are abstract and may need examples as well as reasons for why they are important.” Using examples of physical boundaries, such as someone not wanting to be hugged, touched or having someone stand too close to them, is a great way of helping children to understand the concept.

You might want to share some of your own boundaries with your child or ask them if they have any themselves. Opening up a dialogue using examples that relate closely to your child’s life can be a helpful approach.

Verbal boundaries are often more difficult for children to comprehend so adding reasoning, such as: ‘I feel overwhelmed and cross when you shout at me’ or ‘that topic is personal and makes me sad, so I do not want to talk about it right now’ can help them to understand.

Boundaries are about mutual respect in a relationship, which in turn is about “noticing that other people have feelings, needs and limits too,” according to Dr Tamara Oliven, senior child and adolescent psychotherapist at London Psychiatry Clinic.

As parents, we regularly set boundaries for our children, perhaps regarding screen time, not walking off with strangers or going to bed at a certain time. Some of those are to do with keeping children safe and healthy but some are more to do with respecting other people’s boundaries.

Children in this age group might not always like the boundaries that other people have set, or that have been set for them. Developing an understanding of how to deal with this feeling and still respecting the boundary that has been set is an important part of growing up. You can help by explaining your reasoning for a certain boundary, or someone else’s reasoning.

In the second film, Milo doesn’t like Zayn calling him by his mum’s pet name, ‘kitten’. You might want to use this to illustrate why verbal boundaries, and mutual respect, are important in relationships. You could ask your child questions such as:

• Why doesn’t Milo like Zayn calling him ‘kitten’?
• How would you feel in Milo’s situation?
• Can you think of a time when someone said something you didn’t like and how you dealt with it?

These kinds of conversations can be useful to help your child understand other people’s points of view, develop empathy for others and think critically about their own boundaries.

Explaining to your child that they can feel angry or upset with their friend and still speak to them with respect is important. Dr Oliven says: “This validates the feeling while holding the boundary around behaviour and respect.”

Watching these films, alongside other programmes can be really useful to gain an insight into other people’s perspectives around why boundaries matter. Dr Krause suggests asking your child related questions around the character’s feelings, how they could have shown they felt uncomfortable and what they could then say and do.

This type of observation can then be brought into real life situations:

• When your friend does this, what might be happening?
• What might they be feeling?
• What could you do?

This is really helpful groundwork when it comes to your child’s own boundaries, especially when they have to deal with some kind of conflict. If your child is upset, it’s a good idea to help them calm down first. Dr Krause recommends you ask them to sit with you quietly and focus on what they can see, hear and feel.

You might want to then use the films to explore situations where they’ve felt the need to express a boundary and, crucially, practise things they might be able to say, such as: ‘Please don’t touch my hair’, ‘I’m playing with this at the moment but you can have it after me’ or ‘Please could you say that more quietly?’.

It can be beneficial to explain that, even when we are expressing boundaries, and even if we’re upset or cross, speaking calmly and kindly is still important.

Dr Krause suggests four steps you can use with your child as a way of talking to them about setting and respecting healthy boundaries in their relationships: notice, ask, say and check.

To help, give them an example of a boundary (once you’ve explained what they are): “For the young person, it might be they’d prefer a parent not to hug them. For a parent, it might be their child or young person not interrupting them when they’re relaxing at a certain time.”

You could then discuss the four steps with your child in a bit more detail.

1. Noticing

Observe a person’s body language - are they backing away or breaking eye contact? Recognise your own internal signals. What does your body tell you when something doesn’t feel right? What’s happening when you suddenly go quiet?

Explain to them the importance of noticing what others might be saying with their body language, as well as what they are saying out loud. For children who find non-verbal clues difficult, you might want to discuss what these might look like, giving some concrete examples.

Dr Krause says you could also practise reflective listening with your child.

“Listen and ‘reflect’ back what you think they might be saying. For example, ‘Let me get this right, you’re asking me to not hug you when I drop you at school, but you don’t mind a goodnight hug?’”

2. Asking

Role-model this yourself, asking ‘May I give you a hug?’. Your child can practise this with the parent boundary example too, such as: ‘When would you like to have some time on your own?’

3. Saying

Dr Krause says: “Learn to say no in a kind but assertive way and to not feel guilty about setting a boundary.” You may need to practise this and offer up an alternative, such as ‘No, I would prefer you to pat my shoulders rather than give me a hug’ or ‘Let’s set a time to talk before I make tea but not when I’m talking to a friend’.

4. Checking

Dr Krause explains this is about “making sure you’ve heard and acted correctly” and making adjustments if not.

Explaining to your child that it’s OK to make mistakes in friendships and relationships, such as hugging a friend when you didn’t know they didn’t like it, is important as it helps them reflect and learn from previous experiences.

You could even role play what you would have done in each character’s shoes in the film. For example, for Zayn, ‘What would you have said once you realised you’d upset Milo?’ and for Milo ‘What would you say to a friend who’d upset you but apologised?’ Try and encourage different points of view that your child might not have considered.