What’s the difference between a positive friendship and a negative one?

Does your child know when and how to speak up if something in a relationship doesn't feel right?

Between the ages seven and 11, childrens’ friendships become deeper and more complex. Parents need to ensure their children understand what makes a positive, healthy and happy relationship, and what to do if a friendship is making them feel uncomfortable.

BBC Bitesize: People Around Us has been created to help parents like you navigate these tricky conversations with young people. Watch the films in this article together and take prompts from our experts on how to identify positive and negative relationships, to build children’s confidence to speak up if something doesn’t feel right.

A positive friendship usually makes you feel good, respected and able to be yourself.” - Dr Tamara Oliven, senior child and adolescent psychotherapist

In the film, the children demonstrate what a healthy friendship looks like to M8-E. You can use this to discuss some of the qualities of a positive, secure relationship with your child, such as:

• mutual respect
• kindness
• generosity
• sharing interests and experiences
• support with problems and difficulties

It might be helpful to ask your child if they can identify a relationship with these qualities, whether it’s with a parent, sibling or friend.

Dr Tamara Oliven is a senior child and adolescent psychotherapist at London Psychiatry Clinic. She suggests being curious about your child’s friendships. Ask questions such as how they feel around a particular friend or what happens when one of them is upset. She adds: “A positive friendship usually makes you feel good, respected and able to be yourself.”

You could encourage them to think about what these friends said and how they acted in different situations, as well as how they act themselves in a positive relationship. Reflecting on these moments can help your child understand which characteristics of a secure relationship they value most and consider how they show those qualities in their own friendships.

You could start by asking your child a few further questions about the film. You could ask them how M8-E’s friends supported him or how they celebrated each other’s differences. M8-E talks about three things a healthy relationship includes. Can they remember what they were and do they agree? By doing this, you are encouraging them to reflect and think critically about positive relationships.

Consultant clinical psychologist Dr Nihara Krause says: “It’s common for this age group to see closeness and sameness. Helping them recognise their individual qualities and feel positive about them will form the foundations for social confidence.”

You could go on to discuss how the friends in the video all have different favourite games and how they respect those differences. Encourage your child to recognise and feel positive about their own individual qualities, which will help them build the foundations for social confidence.

Dr Oliven adds you can also teach your child that even secure relationships have conflict, disagreement or someone needing space from time to time. She says: “Parents can remind children that conflict, disagreement or needing space does not mean a friendship is bad. What matters is whether both people can listen, repair and respect each other.”

Get them to see that a good friend will make them feel special and comfortable, rather than worried.” - Dr Nihara Krause, consultant clinical psychologist

Dr Krause advises avoiding labelling friendships as unhealthy in front of your child. However, you can help your child notice how they feel when they’re with their friend, and afterwards. You can ask them if they feel like their friend listens to them, or if they can be their authentic self with them to encourage this awareness.

By asking your child how they feel after spending time with a certain friend, you’re getting them to see that this should usually be a positive feeling. Dr Krause says: “A good friend will make them feel special and comfortable, rather than worried.”

You could ask your child whether they think Sophie let Tanvi be herself in the film. What other things did Sophie ask of Tanvi that may indicate she wasn’t being a good friend? You might like to remind your child that healthy friendships do not make others feel lonely or excluded either.

Dr Krause suggests thinking about what good friendships look like in books, stories or movies and discussing those qualities. You might observe characters being kind or inclusive, listening to what someone doesn’t want to do, sharing or making someone else feel secure. Examining these relationships with your child in the context of other people’s lives, or in fictional character’s lives, can be a valuable tool for developing these skills in their own relationships.

Dr Krause suggests normalising the fact that even good friends get cross or upset with each other sometimes: “Comfort the hurt, anger or upset they feel and then get your child to practise how to tell their friend they’re upset but want to work on repairing the friendship.”

If it’s your child or young person who’s initiated the disagreement, Dr Krause advises you to teach them how to repair a relationship.

“This means listening to their friend, acknowledging their behaviour, apologising for their behaviour and making sure they know how to approach the issue differently next time.”

You can help your child to recognise when they’re starting to get angry or frustrated. Ask them what those emotions feel like - how do they start, is there a physical change, such as going red or feeling tense in their stomach? You can then teach them some ways to pause and reflect before acting on their anger.

Dr Krause says: “Learning some quick release strategies such as breathing out and letting go of tension in the body, for example, can be helpful.”

It can also be valuable to encourage your child to verbalise their anger too. By doing this, we’re helping our young people learn that feeling angry is acceptable, while also learning how to express that anger in an appropriate way.

However, if a friend is repeatedly hurtful, Dr Krause says: “Provide the opportunity to learn that this isn’t a positive relationship, don’t be afraid to step in to protect them and to also help them find ways to protect themselves.” Again, you can use Tanvi’s experience in the film to help address this with your child.

Your child will be taught about online safety and online relationships if they’re at school. At home, it’s important to be vigilant about their online world and who they’re talking to. This might involve talking to them about the potential risks when chatting to people we don’t know online and what to do if someone asks for personal information such as their name or address.

You can use the Life online section of the Bitesize Parenting website for further tips on how to manage your child’s online relationships.

If you’re worried your child has been exposed to unhealthy online relationships, you can find links to charities and support at BBC Action Line.