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Webchat: Talking to Tweenies |
29 September 2004 |
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We've all heard about troublesome tots and tiresome teenagers but what about tweens - the 8-12 year olds?
Today discussed the challenges facing parents of pre-teens. Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, author of Talking to Tweenies answerered your questions in a live webchat.
If we didn't answer your query, further information is available from the BBC Actionline on 0800 044 044.
Useful links
Listen to Talking to Tweenies |
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How exactly do you punish a tweenie - could you give practical examples?
Anne
You might:
1. reduce or stop pocket money for one week
2. stop a favoured weekend activity
3. require them to cool down in their room and only to emerge when they feel ready
4. ask them to do something to make up for what they've done, eg a chore for you, lend something special and personal to a sibling if they've been horrid
The important thing is to have a clear and consistent consequence for the inappropriate behaviour and make sure you are always reacting to and punishing what they've done, not who they are as a person. Children can change their behaviour far more easily than they can change who they are!
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
Any suggestions for alternatives to shouting? We seem to get stuck in a loop
Linda
My ten year old daughter refuses to do things we ask her to do, there is a row every night over the washing up,she continually tells us to shut up and always has to have the last word, as we do not believe in smacking we tend to end up shouting can you give us any advice on alternatives as this does not work and she just ends up shouting back!
Sharon
My 12 year old daughter is prone to temper tantrums. She seems unable to grasp just how much these are affecting our family home; I am trying to follow the approach of ignoring bad and praising good behaviour, but I sometimes can't help but shout back to let her know what her words are doing to me. What is the right balance, or should I just keep quiet after all?
Niki
Ah yes, shouting! It rarely works and only ups the ante. Clear rules and expectations, written down and stuck on a wall, can help enormously. You can include tick boxes after each one, so each family member can tick chores off once they're completed and each child can see that the others have chores too and it seems fairer.
Of course we're entitled to say how we react when children are stroppy, but it's more effective if we say it calmly rather than shout. To end a shouting match, if it starts, try agreeing a special phrase that either side can use to end it completely then and there. My family chose the phrase "white rabbits". The children used it first, the argument had to stop then and there and noone lost face. It worked a treat!
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
My 11 year old daughter is wonderful but lazy. Under duress she will help around the house but expects to be paid or praised when she does so. She has also gained a lot of weight but never manages to see any exercise regime through and gives up far too easily. I'm worried that if I make a big deal about her size I'll make her self conscious. How do I get her to 'pull her weight' literally and metaphorically without turning into a nag?
Jackie
I have a son who was well described by your programme. He seems more 'slightly sad' than defiant. I could spend a long time discussing him but the problems I have are how to persuade him to not eat too much. He sneaks food from the kitchen and always wants more to eat. He is slightly overweight and does not like to run around as much as his two younger brothers. We talk a lot but he tends to make up unbelievable stories about his exploits so it is very difficult to advise him on life, school, home and everything as he tends to hide behind his 'stories'. If you remember Billy Liar 'he often reminds me of him. He was a wistful character who prevaricated rather than did and that is just like my son. I suppose I want to know will this change in time .Can I help with the weight loss etc in a non destructive way and have you written anything on the subject! Thank-you.
Ruth
My nine year old daughter is a very fussy eater and can spend up to an hour eating, even things she likes. How do I encourage her to eat - I only offer child friendly food already. It is more about exerting her control.
Rosy
Rosy is absolutely right. Many food and eating issues are about children wanting to keep control if they feel school or parents are having too much say in their lives. Nagging never helps. It's more constructive to try to establish clear patterns around eating and allowing certain choices about what and when they eat but within limits. For example where a child is constantly going to the cupboards we could have less available in there but let them choose their special and only after school snack.
Regular family eating routines and fun walks and exercise help to take the aggro out of eating and concern about weight. Remember that tweenies are about to undergo a growth spurt so much of any apparent extra weight will disappear in time. Fizzy drinks can be kept for weekends only and if you involve children in drawing up these limits, they're more likely to stick to them and less likely to feel over controlled.
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
At what age do you think girls should be allowed to go shopping "in town" with their friends?
Julia
This privilege and freedom can be given bit by bit, and could start quite soon after they start asking for it depending on where you live, the transport arrangements and the nature of your town or shopping centre. Rather than hold them back until you feel they're ready to spend a whole afternoon there and travel there and back independently, we can do it in stages.
For example first you might invite their friends to come shopping when you two go together and then let them wander for half an hour or so on their own with an arrangement to meet up again at the end of this.
The next stage might be to drive them there and then collect them after an agreed time. After this you may feel they're ready to do one of the two journeys on their own and so on.
Children usually ask for more freedom when they feel ready for it so it may affect their growing confidence to deny them. Try to find some new development to satisfy their increasing self belief.
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
My daughter seems to wake up either seemingly wanting to be miserable, usually "half empty" or extremely happy - bordering on silly! I find myself trying to make sure she wakes up content, always trying to make her laugh etc. Is this a normal characteristic of a 'tweenie'?
I thought it was a looking for attention 'thing', but I have two other children and the eldest (17) says she gets far more attention then anyone else and if I reflect upon this I know he is correct. Would it be best to just let her get on with her moods and stop trying to jolly her up?
Denise
In a family of three children it's common for each one to try and make their mark and your daughter could be getting your attention at the time of day where she's learnt you're most available to her. Letting her have her moods is a good idea, because otherwise you're on an emotional string. But if she does actually need more of your time, you might consider (if you have space in your day) giving her more special one to one time so she has less need to manipulate you - if that's what's happening.
But we now know far more about early puberty and understand that tweenies, particularly girls, are experiencing hormonal changes well before the more outward signs, so perhaps the moods are genuine. If that's so, the best solution is still to let her experience these without the rest of the family being too affected.
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
My 8 year old son is turning into a Kevin. He has developed a whole range of annoying habits, from sniffing outwards (without the use of a handkerchief), making annoying grunting noises, beginning each sentence with loud emphasis on the first word, to generally being really stroppy and rude.
When I eventually lose my cool he seems to revert back to being pleasant for all of 5 minutes but it makes me feel terribly guilty and I feel I'm constantly 'on his case'. He is the eldest of 3 children...what can I do? Where have I gone wrong? Please help.
Samantha
Your son is almost certainly just copying the latest playground style. He is starting to identify more with his mates than with you and desperately wants to feel he fits in with the laddishness they're exploring. But he also needs you too so try to be as tolerant as you can. For things like the sniffing you can say "while that's fine for the playground, I don't expect it here", so you show you understand where it's coming from.
In testing you, he's only seeing if you still love him while he's trying out various masculine images and behaviours. If you make a joke of it instead of being on his case, you'll be cutting back on the criticism which is good for all of you. Be patient! He'll come through his lovely old self.
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
Dear Elizabeth - Thanks so much for the brilliant advice, you're absolutely right in what you've said about the copying of other boys' behaviour - I just hadn't recognised it. I'm turning over a new leaf today and shall start acting like the mother I know I can be and always thought I would be!
Samantha
What's the best strategy to deal with lying? My daughter (10) hates practicing piano & sax (who doesn't?) and has started lying about the fact that she has practiced. Trivial perhaps, but it leaves a doubt about what else she might be lying about.
Kevan
If your daughter is lying, the practice regime you expect probably doesn't suit her. Let her know you believe she's saying these things to avoid practice, and not because she's more generally untrustworthy, and discuss with her a routine that suits her better. If she has more of a say in what how much she does and when, she's more likely to stick to it.
This is the age when children expect more autonomy and more say over their lives. It would not be at all helpful to allow her to believe that you think she could be lying about other things. She'll feel safe telling the truth when you listen to her point of view.
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
Losing popularity. How can I help my son? He is an only child 9 1/2, lively and intelligent, but near bottom of his class in writing and reading. He used to be popular, but around February this year boys in his school started calling him names - 'gay boy' and 'girlified.'He is not gay. He is not good at football and the others exclude him from breaktime games. He is unhappy about this and sometimes depressed.
How can I help my son to grow up happy?
Janet
It's very common now for boys to use the term "gay boy" to try to upset someone - it's part of boys trying to explore and assert their masculinity which becomes important to them at this age. It doesn't mean that they truly believe your son is likely to be gay. If you can explain this to your son he might find it helpful. Boys also like to emphasise their growing strength and sporting ability and often achieve this by excluding those who are less physically developed.
Of course all this is upsetting for your son. He might feel less of an outsider and more confident in himself if he attends an activity group outside school where he can make new friends and feel part of a group. Please explain that boys develop physically at very different rates and those who don't feel confident about school work are more likely to emphasise their sporting prowess.
He should be able to feel proud of his school achievements and perhaps you could think about inviting class mates who like to play the sorts of games he enjoys back after school. Above all, try to convince him that there's nothing wrong with him. What he's seeing is the nastier side of other boys who need to feel more powerful and use any way they can to achieve it.
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
How do you give the child self confidence - without essentially lying to them - eg telling them they're good or trying hard at maths when they know they are in the bottom set?
Alison
The most important thing is to help your child feel he/she is making progress. If he/she does better than last time that's something to feel proud of. Whatever set the child is in in school he'll be making step by step improvements. If we always compare children against the best, there'll always be disappointment and we can feel a fraud. It's also important to look at a wide range of things - not just school work.
Children often grow in confidence when they feel competent in other spheres that may have nothing to do with school, for example drawing, swimming, solving mechanical problems, or even being good at making friends. If we know there's something they're good at we can ask them to help us, so that we show we really value this skill..
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
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